Used
by notawordsmith
Summary: Typical day in the mind of Donatello.  So why does he feel like he does? Donatello's POV.  *one shot*


**God and the Doctor we alike adore**  
**But only when in danger, not before;**  
**The danger o'er, both are alike requited,**  
**God is forgotten, and the Doctor slighted.**  
~Robert Owen~

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**Used**

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**"Donnie?"**

**"DON!"**

_Surgical drapes. Surround the wound. Surround my life. Both too big and nowhere near enough._

_Never enough_

_Thick with my brother's blood. Thick with the life that was held with in him. Thick with the thought of what I've done. _

_Splat._

**"What happened Mike?"**

**"Err ... you're going to kill when I tell you aren't you?"**

**"No Mikey. I think you've done a good job of that yourself. So are you going to spill?"**

_He's already spilling far too much blood. I haven't any to give him. Nothing I give them is ever enough. Life, love, knowledge, soul. How much more can I give?_

_All of it and then some. For my brothers._

**"Well ... I sorta, kinda, maybe pushed my luck a teeny bit too far. I sorta, kinda, maybe teased Leo into using his real blades in private practice. Just a tad. We both thought it would be sweet. Looks like we were wrong huh?"**

_Need another bottle of 0.9% normal saline solution. Make that two. I'm sure someone round here drinks the stuff the way we go through it._

_4"x4" gauzes. Going through quite a few. Going to need to get another box._

**"Definitely wrong. Ahhh well. No problem. Just sit still and hold that against it hard, alright? You're messing up my pretty sheets too much and Raph hates scrubbing the stains out. Just need to get some things."**

_How many have I used? Twenty? Thirty? Will have to check under the bed to make sure I got them all. Can't leave any lying around._

_That's how infections start._

_By leaving things around. Thing left unsaid. Undone._

_Left._

**"Am I going to die dude?"**

**"Today? Not likely."**

_LIES!_

**"I think you'll live to fight another day."**

_So much blood. Is it too much? _

_Is anything I do enough?_

**"Donnie, not the needle dude! Is there like, some other way? Like a magic potion or something?"**

_I wish._

**"Yeah I know. But it's got to be done. Wanna hold onto my shell whilst I do it? Just don't jerk me around like last time ok? Found it really hard to concentrate."**

_Always jerked around._

_Just don't cry when I do this Mikey. Please?_

_Just don't cry when I stick this thing into the gaping hole and force the contents inside._

_Just like I do with everything. _

_Is that too much to ask?_

_Please?_

_Just help me with this one simple thing. _

_I'm desperate. I need the help._

_No._

**"Hey bro. It's ok. I'm real sorry, but it needs to be done. It's ok to cry. Just us here. Need a tissue?"**

**"No, it's cool. I know it's not your fault dude. Just hurts that's all."**

**"Yeah. I know."**

_I know._

**"Put the pressure back on it Mikey. Just got to wait for it to kick in ok?"**

_Going to need more vials of Lidocaine 1% soon. _

_Wished I didn't. _

_Wished they were never needed._

_Never wanted._

_But if they were never needed or wanted._

_Would I be?_

**"Feeling numb?"**

_I know I am._

**"Yeah Donnie. Can't feel a thing"**

_Lucky._

**"Well I'm going to stitch you up now. Look if you want. It's not going to be pretty."**

**"Y'know me dude. I can't watch."**

_No one ever can. This is always my silent vigil._

_My silent quest._

_To hurt to heal._

_Alone._

**"Am I going to get a cool scar?"**

_Why would you want one? Aren't my scars enough?_

**"Do you want one?"**

_4/0 Braun Dafilon® 24mm needle. 75cm. Pack of 36_

_Nylon sutures. ⅜ Reverse Cutting Needle. I think I've got enough, but I'll have to check to make sure._

**"Not on purpose dude. Just thought it might happen. So I can tease Leo about it later. So I can look at it in old age and say "Leo. Remember that time we messed up in practice? 'cause I totally do."**

_I always remember. Every single scar they own is mine as well. All that's left of me is a mess of scars._

_It's all that keeps me together._

**"Well you might end up with one. Just don't tease Leo about it ok? He's probably feeling bad about it as it is."**

_Another hurt to heal later. Another raw and bloody laceration to suture close._

**"I am soooo going to tease Leo about this dude. I mean, who wouldn't? It's not like he messes up often."**

_Not like me._

**"I'm going to guilt trip him forever".**

_Doesn't any of them understand how short forever is?_

**"Mikey. Just don't ok?"**

_Stitch, by stitch. Pick up the ragged, jagged edge with the toothed forceps. Ram the reverse cutting edge needle through the skin using the needle drivers. Pick up the needle using the toothed forceps again. Switch to the needle drivers. Curl the surgical nylon thread around the needle drivers twice and pull the end thread through the loops. Wrap the surgical thread around the needle divers once, and use them to slip the end of the thread through the loop again._

_Snip._

**"Why not Donnie?"**

_Do it again._

**"Because I said so ok?"**

_Snip._

**"But Donnie, this is the perfect time! I'll be able to get out of practice ..."**

_Do it again_

**"And meditation ..."**

_Snip._

**"And study ..."**

_And again_

**"And chores ..."**

_Snip._

**"My life will be pretty sweet until this heals."**

_And again and again and again._

_Just like my life._

_Snip._

**"Yeah well, you know the drill. No getting it wet for twenty four hours, change the dressing daily."**

_Going to need to sterilise the needle drivers and toothed forceps. Hope I've got enough alcohol to burn it all away._

_Ha! Now there's a pretty thought._

_Don't start, Donnie._

_Don't start, because you know you'll never stop._

_Ever._

**"Yeah I know. Boring. If I'm oozy or woozy, come get you right?"**

_Who comes to get me?_

**"Right."**

_Who saves the medic?_

**"Are you finished? Can I go now?"**

_Wish it was that simple._

_Can I be finished?_

_Can I go now too?_

**"Almost Mikey. Just putting the last of the tape on now.**

**Then a waterproof dressing to cover it all."**

_Cover it all. So they don't see the mess underneath._

_My infection._

_My scars._

**"Cool. 'cause I've got stuff to do after this. Going to milk it for all it's worth.**

** Bet I can get Leo to get me some icecream. Bet I can even get Raph to bring me my comics."**

_Bet you can too._

_Bet I know what will happen next._

_Wish I had stuff to do._

_Rather than this._

**"All done Mike. Good as it'll ever be."**

_Good as I'll ever be._

**"Cool. Well? I'll see you in the lounge room soon then?"**

_Leave._

**"Yeah in a second Mike."**

_Leave me alone to my fate._

_Just come when you need me and leave when you don't._

**"I've just got to clean up here.**

**And work out everything that got,**

**Used."**

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**A/N: Just a typical day inside the mind of Donnie.**

**Rant, rave, review.**

**Did I get it right?**

**What do you think?**


End file.
